I feel the rhythm.
Body and soul hurt.
I'm a winner.
I just want a friend. Forever friends, good luck with that.. Sure. But a friend today and a friend tomorrow. I am tired of being alone. I've become a recluse bc I don't want to go out alone.
Unless it's to do art. But I also like to watch. But then I don't go anymore -- bc what if I get stuck in a ditch? I really do think scary thoughts. Whynot? Wot. Someone always helps me. I know my city folk. The cars are scary. People understand.
Update to long absence: walking is a struggle these days.
So that is my hurdle. I need someone. I can't face the world alone unless I'm feeding my art to the wolves.
Competition. That was my drug. Mnn.
I acknowledged the hurt.
While ignoring it.
I'm too embarrassed
To tell anyone
about the thing
that keeps happening
over and over again.
I recognize I am alone.
I'm ok with it.
I feel the tear as it slides down my face.
I am moving on.
I am the Light Divine.
I am Love.
I am Will.
I am Fixed Design.
The TV says all I need is family. (Albeit a sappy, hypnotic version.) What lie are they trying to implant? A Libertarian pipe-dream where humans are equipped to help one another? TV and movies celebrate "family" as if the word were the meaning of life. Meanwhile, mesmerized by the boob tube, humans are allowing community to crumble.
People tell me that I shouldn't use the word, abuse. That it's too strong a word, like rape and assault. I was raped twice last year. Who knew that my condition would make me a target? I'm ok. I fooled both the idiots.
I think maybe I should move to California but the level of stupidity there is worse than NYC. I suppose I could move to Berkley... And what? My peers will miraculously appear? I will still be in a wheelchair. No matter where I go in the USA, there is too much pavement.
Why is it everyone on tv walks so well? No one uses a cane except for Dr. House!
---- I have no idea when I wrote that. I lost my mind on St. Patrick's Day.
----I am going to Jamaica to figure out what I want to do next.
I might be back.