fauxmaux

( Scene, Baby Steps )
[Kiss! B/O]

"[I do know] That God quotes from 'Lord of the Rings'” - Faux Maux from "My Dear John Letter"

"Are You There God? It's me, Maureen. I'm on this site using my real name." - ibid. 1st line.

Listen God. If you exist, then you can hear me. I got a lot of questions and I don't know where to start. I understand that no one is perfect. I understand that completely. So why do people get angry and hold grudges? I never said I was perfect.* I never said I was pretty either, so those people can mock me all they want!** I'm angry God. I'm wondering if the new meds just brought me up too high too fast, because that's where the anger lives, above the soul in a place some people call Hell. And they say it's down below but I think it far far above us and it hits us like lightning or covers us in a noxious cloud. Everyone goes ka-plooey and the cynicism and vengeance begin.

Even the felines. Tommy went to say good-bye to his new girlfriend and she hissed at him. And I'm crying. I'm too high. I've never had an anxiety attack before and I'm having one now. And I already have problems with my heart, so this is retarded. Crazy meds all suck, God. I think I should be my normal imperfect self, just like everyone else I know. Imperfect. When I meet a perfect person, I'll become an atheist again. AS IF! (quote - "Clueless") Thanks for listening and hearing me cry.

*I should re-write "Adam and Eve". Good idea. Peace Be Upon You, my God.

** YOU know I'm not vain. I picked something insignificant, for the trolls, ya know. I am not bothered by the comments. It's the "idea" that someone would call a deformed person ugly! That's so wrong. Maybe morality is bullshit, tho. Maybe morality is a fucking fantasy; a game that no one truly plays. All are pretenders, liars, cheaters and thieves in the game. Hissing at one another for no reason, like the cats.

I can't believe I was in the MIDDLE of a cat fight. Insane day. I miss the humans I love. The ones to whom I must say good-bye. I know they are insane but I love them.

OK. I almost called the shrink, but I think she'd commit me. Or I think I'd ask! ha!

( the scene that I wrote the other day, MY DEAR JOHN LETTER )

And Tommy says good-bye. You can't see the sadness on his face - Flickr darkened the vid.


THIS IS A HOUSE OF LOVE

The Future is Change
A
No kids.
B
We only just met.
A
I’m just saying. No kids.
B
Um… OK. Anything else?
A
I want a big party. Nothing traditional.
B
You mean, like a wedding.
A
Unofficial. A party.
B
Alright.
A
What?
B
Nothing…. Cup of tea?
A
Let’s go dancing tonight. Gotta practice!
B
We can make it a performance piece.
A
A “Wedding” show.
B
I just wrote some cool music.
A
I just built a body double, made of rubber!
B
And Chris can make the puppet.
A
He’s a great MC.
B
Dress the puppet as a priest.
A
Or a rabbi.
B
I’ve never been to Vegas.
A
I have.
B
I don’t want to go to City Hall.
A
Never been there. Never want to go.
B
Vegas?
A
City Hall, no. Vegas, yes. I have family there.
B
We’re going to Vegas.
A
Umm… OK. Anything else?

So This Is Heaven?
A
Am I dead?
God
Welcome to heaven.
A
This is heaven?
God
You got it.
A
Doesn’t look like heaven to me.
God
Got a problem?
A
It’s just not what I imagined heaven to look like.
God
This is what you said heaven would look like.
A
But it’s not what I thought… imagined…. Was told.
God
Hey. I’m no mind reader. I gave you free will.
A
And who, pray tell are you?
God
Uh… God?
A
Prove it.
God
No.
A
I don’t believe you.
God
I know. That was your little problem when you were alive.
A
You are god? You look like a drunk Christopher Hitchens.
God
Exactly what you imagined when you were alive. If you really had hoped for fields and flowers, that’s where you’d be. You were always a pesismist, missy.
A
Fine. I’d like to go to the real heaven please.
God
Nope. You get what you ask for.
A
You’re the devil. I’m in hell. This place is filthy. I’m filthy. I’m dressed in rags.
God
You imagined a Victorian Era putrid dump. I think you watched too much Masterpiece Theater. But I always provide, as promised. Pint of mead?
A
I was joking when I said Hitchens was God. I don’t believe in an actual creator guy god.
God
Would you like me to leave? (Burps) Again?
A
No, please stay. I need to find my bearings. And I’m.. ah…. I didn’t mean to, you know….
God
(Stands, paces around A) Insult me? Ha’, fuck it. You’ve been doing it all your adult life. You were a good kid… had good morals. What did you call yourself? A secular humanist? And you did some pretty fine things. You deserve to be in heaven by my account…. Aside from the over-educated, self-righteous bitch (smiles) – that was just on the outside. You done good in life. Gotta send you back though. (Your) Life’s a little unfinished. Didn’t exactly reach nirvana, now did we? (Big Burp) This is a great brew! You should try it. Made by the Prophet Mohammed, himself, Peace Be Upon Him.
A
Reincarnation. Mohammed making alcohol? This is all wrong.
God
Don’t believe everything you read. You said so yourself – whoa so many times. Dude, I gotta sit down. Shiva makes some strong opium shit. (sings “Hare Krishna)
A
Goddit. I get the joke. Can I go to heaven now?
God
You did? You got it? You’re right. It was actually, the chinaman, Houwang, who makes the good shit. Krishna sits around all day painting his ass all day!
A
Oh Lord. (To God) Not you. Um… bartender? (To unseen bartender) I’ll take a whisky. (Slug. To God) How did I die? I don’t remember.
God
Oh. You killed yourself. Minor problemo there, kiddo. That’s kinda a no-no.
A
It worked? Damn. I was just trying to get on the dole and get a decent place to live.
God
Guess you’re not as clever as you thought.
A
No one saw my email?
God
A few.
A
No one called?
God
Nope.
A
What?
God
Hey, kid. They were busy. What you doing offing yourself on a Friday night? (Gets up and dances to “Oh What A Night”.)
A
No one came over.
God
Eventually. It wasn’t too gross. In fact, it happened pretty fast. You didn’t actually die from the wounds you gave yourself. You sank in the nice bathtub you had there and drowned. Nice of you - not to make a big mess. Another reason I’m not too ticked.
A
Gee, thanks God. Glad you didn’t get angry wit’ me.
God
(Grabs her by the neck) Hey, little twit. I am God. I can get angry pretty God-damned easily. Floods, fires, plagues. What the hell DID they teach you in atheist school? That I’m a fruits and flowers guy? Jesus is the hippie. Make palsies with him, he’ll show you the groovy spots. Now you talking with the Big Guy. Got it?
A
Got it.
Gid
Good. (Sudden mood change.) Oooh, yummy. Pigs feet soup. Gotta try some.
A
Thanks. No thanks. I wanna ask you. Was it painful?
God
What?
A
My death?
God
You tell me.
A
I guess not. Life was hard though.
God
Did anyone say it wouldn’t be? You weren’t exactly working your knuckles to the bone. From my perspective, your life was kinda pansy-ass.
A
Thanks.
God
I feel you, though. No matter how much comfort a person has, few find real love-joy in life. I’m working on that one.
A
I see that.
God
You can slow down on the sarcasm.
A
Sorry. (Sigh) So what am I gonna do here?
God
Your mother lives on the corner. You can pay her a visit.
A
My mother went to church every day. Why would she be imagine this heaven to be her heaven?
God
It’s your heaven, my child and you imagined your mother here. She has a nice house, upper-class. You won’t have to work too hard, plenty of books. You can learn needlework. Go on now and enjoy eternity.
A
I thought you said I’m gonna be sent back.
God
You will.
A
When?
God
When what? I’m the decider. I am everywhere. I think I drank too much. The concept of eternity doesn’t ring a bell?
A
Well, not from an intellectual point of view. I mean… Everything runs on your terms here. Got it. And…you are everywhere at once?
God
Not if I don’t wanna. Gottit? Good. I gotta go. Gotta get me a coupla sheckles in my pocket. Have another one – on me, then go out and go meet Gaia. (to unseen bartender) later Oz.
(God leaves.)
A
Hi Oz. you know, you look like a picture I saw. Had a trident or a staff, grey hair in a ponytail. Are you Italian? (listens.) You’re who? What? (A looks to door and back at bartender. Nervous.) Wow. Columbian coffee. God, you read my mind!

The edit for "Them People": http://fauxmaux.livejournal.com/211494.html
I also made a few changes and added stage directions to Librium v. Zoloft: http://fauxmaux.livejournal.com/213615.html

Skinny and Fatty


S
It’s a beautiful day for a walk, Fatty.

F
Also a great day for a cookout.

S
Oh, Fatty. You are irredeemable.

F
Or irresponsible as my doctor says. We’re gonna have the works; hamburgers, dogs, roast chicken.

S
I can bring a salad.

F
We’ll have plenty of salad; potato salad, coleslaw. Did I mention vegetables? Corn on the cob with plenty of butter.

S
Fat, fat and more fat. I’m talking about real salad with low fat dressing.

F
Like the one you brought to the last barbeque? No one touched it.

S
I’ll throw in some olives this times.

F
Tempting.

S
Potatoes and corn are what farmers use to fatten their cows. I’ll bring veggies to barbeque as well.

F
None of those gross mushrooms again. The kids were terrified.

S
No mushrooms. Only normal vegetables, like peppers and onions. Everyone likes peppers and onions.

F
No broccoli. Shit! Air time, Skinny! (Calls to unseen.) Make-up! (To Skinny) Am I shiny? Damn Make Up Artists. Never around when you need them.

S
You look fine. Borrow my compact, princess. (To camera) Good day everyone. I am Skinny here again with my co-host, the Famous Fatty. Beautiful day today here in southern Los Angeles. I am no weather man but it will probably be another sunny day. So as to not beleager the point, it’s time to get outside and play and exercise!

F
I am having a barbeque with my family.

S
And I am going to be doing Tai Chi on the beach.

F
And then she’ll come to my BBQ with one of her infamous salads.

S
Infamous?

F
Terrifyingly healthful.

S
And that, my friends is why we are Skinny and he is Fatty.

F
You make “fat” sound like a bad word.

S
Well, folks, we have some breaking news about…. Fatty’s cholesterol.

F
Ah, yes. Well, as we spoke about a few days ago, I got tested for good and bad cholesterol.

S
And….?

F
And I’ve got both!

S
I heard your bad cholesterol was a little high.

F
Skinny can’t keep her claws off of my personal records. Yes, Skinny. So I have to eat more fiber.

S
And less fat.

F
Nope. Doctor said nothing about that. I ate three bowls of super-fibrous cereal this morning. I am on my way!

S
Three bowls of cereal! That’s too many calories. Too much sugar!

F
What is it, Skin? Calories or fat? What is the bigger bug up your ass?

S
I think it’s calories. Err… both! Everything should be eaten in moderation.

F
But we should eat, right?

S
Of course.

F
Well, my dear. What say you, folks? I think Skinny – here - is a bit too skinny! What do you think? (You can text your votes to 555-ANO.) I promise you, if I don’t see Skinny chowing down on a juicy pork chop this evening, our relationship is over.

S
Oh goody. So he’ll be quitting the show!

F
Tune in tomorrow, folks. We’ve scheduled an expert on anorexia. We’ll see if we can get this Skinny bitch to eat!

S
CUT! Cut! Cut! That was not part of today’s show.

F
Well, it is now. See you tonight. And no vegetables, OK? Oh... and unless you plan on baking a pie with real sugar, no fruit!

S
Sure thing Fatty. Fiber and Fat. I’ll bring the nuts.

F
I got a sack right here, babee.

L
(steps into the ring)
One drop is all I got. One feed is all you need. C’mon my people. Librium. Librium. Oooh. Librium!

Z
(Enters ring)
One Z for all your needs. Your boyfriend dumps you? I’m there for your needs. Zoloft. Zoloft!

L
That weakest pill in your cabinet will pay. Zoloft isn’t even a drug. It’s a placebo, people. Lay your bets on the one true, mood stabilizing “you know who!” Librium. Lemme hear ya! Librium!

Z
("cheating" in front of Librium, crouched)
My people are not clinically insane. They also don’t need a nurse to give them meds twice a day. Z, Z, Z, Zoloft. Let’s hear it for my fans! Zoloft!

L
Pussy pill.
(Pushes Z to the floor.)

Z
(on knees in front of L)
Addiction! Addictive!

L
Whoa. Zoloft called me addictive. Oooh. That’s like soooo harsh, Zoloft. Never heard of drug being called addictive before! (Laughs) I help people get over addictions. I do the job. What do you do? Right. You make people “dependent.” Not addiction. Lovely little word game, kiddo.

Z
There’s no risk of dependency according to the FDA.
(Fist pump from the floor.)

L
FDA! Holla holla for the integrity of the FDA! C’mon Happy Pill, let’s get this match started.
(Helps Z stand up.)

Z
(Head scratch. Z and L are side by side.)
You know it takes me a few weeks to be fully effective.

L
Stop it with the delays, Zoloft. I've waited long enough. No drug takes a few weeks except for placebo pills. So you and your little “unhappy campers” can get over your damn selves and let’s get it on.
(L crouches and facing Z, gets in fight position)

Z
Fine. No, no. I’m ready. I’m gonna take you down, you nasty narcotic.
(Belly bump.)

L
You did? You didn’t.

Z
I did. Studies conclude if more people were on me, they wouldn’t end up needing you and your immediate high.
(more belly bumps.)

L
I don’t make people high. I make them calm. Most of them are sleeping right now. Look around you.

Z
(Scans audience.)
Those are you fans? Thought they were zombies or homeless.

L
Bring it on, suicide pill. Your people may be awake, but they are scheming and planning. Writing their last wills. Scribbling their pathetic little notes.
(More gestures to fans.)

Z
Yeah? Yeah? Is that how we’re playing, Librium?
(Poke.)
Too bad, I’m non-toxic and it would take the likes of you to kill. Kill. Kill.
(3 pokes)

L
I am no killer. I am administered under medical supervision.

Z
Then they are sent home with your youngster, Lithium. Oops. Another one gobbles the bottle!
(Makes choking/dying gesture.)

L
I save people. After a coupla bottles of me, they are clean and dry... You... Suicide pill. That’s what your mob boss pal, the FDA says…. SU-I-CIDE!
(Full Nelson)

Z
I can’t be responsible if I am improperly dispensed.
(On the floor having a seizure.)

L
So you admit it. You’re losing, Zoloft. I got you on the mat!

Z
You outdated drug of last resort….
(still seizuring)

L
I am no narcotic. I help people even to get off narcotics!
(Pulls Z off floor)

Z
Bring on the irony, Librium. You are rarely even used.

L
I am not munched like candy by an overstressed, magic-pill-seeking public. Doctors appreciate my power.

Z
A million scripts to one.

L
You greedy little suicide-driving bastard.
(Z gets L in a headlock and L falls to the floor.)
Aaah! (whispers) What was that? You hurt me. Dumbass cheating bastard of a non-drug.

Z
I’m the winner! (Foot on L's stomach.) Who is sad and depressed now, huh, Lib? I’m Number One. (To unseen referee.) Huh? What? What do you mean… the match is tied? I got Librium in a lock! So there were a few good moves. I’m the winner. Please. Please, ref? I beg you… let me be the winner. (cries)

L
Oh, poor Zoloft. Here, meet my step-child, Xanax. Very comforting. With immediate effect! Good match, tho. Stop blubbering, Zoloft. Your cousins are here, Prozac and Effexor.

Z
Fuck them. Useless twats.

L
Too bad they can’t help you in the short-term. Alright, I’ll lend you Valium for the night.

Z
Ooh, Valll-i-Yum!

L
I expect her home by dinner. Good night everyone. And remember to love the drug that loves you back!

Z
(Sheepishly to unseen Valium)
Huhuh-Hi. Valium. (smiles)

Interrogating Faith

(An interrogation table would be nice. B faces front.)
A
We’ll start with the simple one. Do you believe in…
B
No. I don’t even say the G-Word.
A
But you lecture about faith.
B
I am a professor of ancient sociology. Their cultures employed the word, “faith” in many ways, including their religious practices. I am simply doing my job.
A
You said that you had faith.
B
I said that I found the word intriguing. I am trying to inspire my students, like any good teacher.
A
Inspire? Meaning "of the spirit"?
B
It's just an expression.
A
So you believe or have faith in the spirits or god-thing?
B
I never said that.
A
Listen, I am not trying to be hard on you. I am a simple investigator for God Containment Division. I am just doing my job.
B
By putting words in my mouth? I know this is being recorded.
A
I know that you were singing a what’s it called, lemme see here, a Gershwin song, in the shower this morning, professor. Everything is recorded. You know that.
B
I am well aware. Gershwin is on the list on allowable recordings. I also know that this is a criminal investigation.
A
You believe that?
B
I know.
A
You have proof?
B
I do. The handcuffs? (smile) This room. Here. Where we are. Intimidation from your staff. Ooh! A bruise! Electric probes attached to my skull, interesting ancient torture tactics - if improbable today. Yes. And you are no simple investigator. All proof. Yes.
A
Clever. And you said once, “Proof is not a guarantor of knowledge.” Can you explain that?
B
That was taken out of context. I would need to see the whole conversation.
A
It was a lecture. You wrote it down. Here. (Passes papers to B. Or slides along table.)
B
Ah, yes. I was talking about things unseen. …the ancients and their need for assurance when they were insecure and their scientific knowledge was fallible.
A
So you see things?
B
“This” is not superstition. I have not “seen” the order regarding my little interview here, but “believe” it to be somewhere. Many people are superstitious, no matter how much logic you throw at them. I am not. Are you? Listen, if I say, “Yes, I see things unseen,” will you let me go?
A
You would be indefinitely locked in a secure psychiatric facility, unable to read or write. I think they let you take art therapy though.
B
Enticing.
A
So we have an understanding.
B
I understand that I must either resign or change my syllabus. I believe that you believe that my class raises questions as to the current orthodoxy.
A
We don’t really like that word.
B
Which one. Resign or syllabus?
A
Orthodoxy. It reminds people of their forefathers.
B
And the religious beliefs that were suppressed.
A
Wow. That was. Wow. You are NOT helping your case here, my dear.
B
Sexualized language was also rightfully eliminated per the orthodoxy. You are one strange human, A-161.

A
I am very very human. It’s just you and me in a room, my dear. In point of fact, nothing here is being recorded. No cameras. Just us.
B
I would like to call my lawyer.
A
Or your priestess?
B
I have no religion. I have never met a priestess. Never seen a church. I’m not an anthropologist, only virtually. You’re not laughing.
My thesis focused on the “mysticism of the ancient so-called atheists.” Some had priestesses, those atheists. Part of sociology class 101. All in the syllabus. Defined, for historical purposes.
A
Some say words are very powerful.
B
Which is why the ancients and the moderns believe that their gods created words or even was “the word.”
A
I appreciate your research. I do. I respect your work. “Those atheists were really theists at heart?” That's interesting.
B
“At heart” is another expression. In da dictionary. “The heart” is an organ.
A
My job is to investigate the questioning that has been going on, especially at the universities. People reading Jung and myths and wondering about what the old recordings meant by a “broken heart.


B
The students learn that “broken heart” refers to ancient mythology. They study Jung. Yes. We study his interpretation. He was a great sociologist – for his time….
A
Then they are given the consensual orthodoxy of today.
B
Orthodoxy. Yes.
A
What happens when they read a myth about a sexy goddess and suddenly they have uncontrollable urges for the girl sitting next to them?
B
If biology class is unable to explain their natural urges, they are sent to the infirmary.
A
But what if the question lingers? They spiral into doubt toward reason? The fundamental spiritualist concept of Jung is the collective unconscious. How is that explained?
B
… by physics. Not my area of study. Have you got your proof or am I free to go?


Scene Two
(A enters. B is reclining.)
A
One question lingers. Do you believe in love?
B
I believe you do. (pause) Why aren’t you laughing? (Pause. They laugh together.) Your secret’s safe with me. (To unseen cameras.) Kidding! I am cleared? I can go now?
A
A little snag. Indulge me. I want to know.
B
Love is easily explained by a rush of hormones and the cultural adaptations human needed to make in order to survive as a species.
A
My heart literally is in pain.
B
I’m not a medical doctor.
A
I’m asking you. (whispers) I can lose my job.
B
Love can affect many of our organs, including the heart.
A
I checked my blood pressure the last time I felt that “fluttering” sensation. That’s normal?
B
Acid reflux?
A
This is not a joke.
B
Yes it is. I have not been tortured and interrogated because you are suffering from a love delusion. Doesn’t add up. I don’t believe you.
A
We can go to the secret island of love.
B
I don’t believe it exists.
A
I believe you do.
B
Love is an emotion, a typical emotion. Normal. Nothing to be concerned about. It will pass.
A
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
B
Marriage is illegal.
A
Even so. I can’t imagine life without you. I cry when I think about it. I’m scared.
B
Another common emotion.
A
Have you no feelings?
B
I try to avoid emotions. They interfere with my work.
A
What should I do?
B
I really think I should go.
A
Know any love believers that I can speak to?
B
Talk to yourself. [[, you freak. ]]Underground faith groups... Might just be an urban myth…
A
OK. Thanks you. You’ve been very helpful.
B
I have.
A
You have just incriminated yourself.
B
Hardly. The sudden love delusion was cute. Love, the physical chemical interaction that intimidates you. You lose. You found nothing.
A
What about these undergound faith groups?
B
Urban myth, brother.
A
No sexist language permitted.
B
I thought we weren’t being taped.
A
And it wasn’t Gershwin. It was Cole Porter. “Love For Sale”, in point of fact.
B
(Sings) Love for sale, appetizing young love for sale… love that’s fresh, still unspoiled. Love that’s only slightly soiled. Love for sale… (Hums bridge. Sings) … in their childish ways….
A
You can go now.
B
I have proof - your obsessive love behavior.
A
Just doing my job. I have my eye on you.
B
I bet you do! (wink)

Ash Wednesday

( Them People )

Them People
B
Oh God. What a shitty fucking day. AND a shitty cup of coffee!

A
They say you should try to avoid those kind of thoughts.

B
Who the fuck are they?

A
You know. Them.

B
I don't know nobody named them.

A
It's just something I read in Ophrah magazine.

B
So "Them" They write for magazines? (And how many times do I have to tell you that Oprah ain't God?)

A
I also read about it online.

B
Oooh. I really believe those "them" people.

A
Oh honey.... Why so cynical?

B
Why so naive, princess?

A
It's been researched, documented....

B
Sure. In someone's basement. The interwob is the new psychic call center. Only cheaper. Unless you buy those miracle love herbs.

A
(plays with hair)
There's a lot of great information there.

B
And a lot of crap. (Scans A) Oh! You did, didn't ya? You bought the miracle love herb, didn't you?

A
Well, they said....

B
Them, those cyber phonies can say anything. It's free to say any kind of lies you want on the interwob.

A
Why do you call it the interwob?

B
Because the information you get is like a wobbly table. No matter how many napkins you shove under what you think is the leg that wobbles, it continues to spill your drink... in your lap!

A
But it's working. The love herb is working.

B
It's called the "placebo effect". They talk about it all the time. Real "Thems" as in doctors.

A
It's true. I think I found him.

B
But you're not sure.

A
They told me to wait.

B
There's "Them" again! Wait for what?

A
(plays with hair again)
Wait until I'm sure.

B
So you haven't had sex yet? How long has it been since you met him?

A
Six weeks. This is the week. For the first..... kiss.

B
You haven't even kissed him?

A
No. They say I should wait.

B
For what? For the guy to decide he's not interested? This is not some Victorian novel, 'mumm-selle.

A
How do you know he's not interested?

B
Have you gone dutch?

A
Yes.

B
Have you gone to a Vin Diesel action movie together?

A
Yeah.

B
His billiards club?

A
Only once or twice....

B
Ever met any of his friends?

A
Sure! At the club.

B
I mean, his real friends. Family. Old friends. Oh no, you didn't go to a hockey game with him?

A
He had an extra ticket!

B
You are his beard.

A
I don't have a beard.

B
He thinks you're his gal-pal.

A
No. No. I am not. I am his girlfriend.

B
A beard helps him pick up other chicks.

A
Says who?

B
Them! Everyone! Look it up on the Urban dictionary on the interwob.

A
So it's "Them", huh? I thought you said you don't trust the interwob.

B
Some things everybody knows.

More Ragdolls

A
No! It's not good enough. We demand more!
B
More of what?
A
For starters, we want clean sheets.
B
That's all?
A
We are angry. We are proud. We want what we deserve now.

(scene change)
B
They say they want new sheets.
C
New sheets? New sheets? Do they know know what new sheets will do to our bottom line?
B
Those are their demands.
C
Fine.
B
And a set for Gorgo.
C
But he's not even an actor! He's only a puppet.
B
Evidently, puppets need sheets too.
C
This is outrageous.
B
And they want red and white striped sheets.
C
What's the difference?
B
They may want to use them in a protest one day.
C
So they want new sheets from me to protest me? Unbelievable.
B
Here's the list of demands from the others.
C
I don't have that many stopwatches.
B
Listen, Jo. I am just the mediator.
C
What ever happened to rag dolls and clown noses?
B
Times have changed.
C
No "time" has changed.
B
It runs faster now.
C
You say so.
B
Depends on the performer.
C
I have plenty of those.
B
They want…. Adult underwear?
C
Fine. And they can wear them to their silly protests.
B
Their protests aren't silly. They have valid grievances.
C
Exactly. Everyone else in this country puts on a costume to protest except the fucking actors.
B
You don't need a costume to block a production.
C
At least they would make themselves more interesting. Think they're too good for theatrical protesting?
B
Theatrics is their profession.
C
When stockbrokers protest, they put on costumes. They are hilarious!
B
When actors protest, they wear business suits.
C
Did you see the mining union in the ball gowns? They cracked.
B
Each union has it’s own identity.
C

I got the schitzo actors. I should open a mine. I can't take these actors and their stupid demands. How many lunch breaks do these anorexic dummies need?
B
Every union makes it's own rules.
C
The unions are weak. I'm moving production back to Canada.
B
NAFTA.
C
Hong Kong?
B
China.
C
New Zealand?
B
They have a union there too. (Long sigh from C ) They also want to keep all their costumes.
C
Why? What for? They never use them.
B
They want lend them to the miners. Agreement thing.
C
What union do you represent anyway?
B
It’s a new unified agreement. Diapers are for government union members.
C
Let NASA provide diapers. Bottom line: What exactly do they want?
B
More unions. More solidarity. More things. Ah, yes. One last thing: rag dolls.
C
I was kidding about the ragdolls.
B
They want you to contact the rag doll union. Here's the number. (give business card to C)
C
I can't believe this. Who knew there was a rag doll union? All unions are so last century.
B
Sometimes change borrows from the past.
C
Everything old is new again.
B
Even rag dolls.

[Mrs. Claus is talking.]

'Twas the Night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even that fat mouse.

I said, "Look, my luff
Get off a' your duff
There's so much to do
A billion miracles 'snot enough."

Our elves slave away
In their sweet angelic way.
No holiday bonus this year.
Even took their health care away.

I know we have to trim corners.
I know we have to make cuts.
Illegal to strike?
That's dictator-like stuff.

But does he listen to me?
Does he give a rat's tail?
He says it's fine fur!
Asleep with his cupful of ale.

"Santa Wake up!
We have no more Rock Star.
No Tivo. No Wii!
Absolute zero i-pods.

What will you do?
What will you say?
When Santa shows up
With nothing in his sleigh?

I saw you talking outside Macy's
t'Greenpeace hippies - very jolly, it's true.
Then they sold you on solar panels.
A miracle? Yes... for half the year.

Now there's no electricity.
All the elves have 'called in sick.'
I don't care how brighter his nose has become,
You can't make Rudolph fly this year.

The elves left the workshop. It's freezing in there.
Electric heating... What an idea!
You pay them in coal - their pitiful wages.
At least they're warm at home with their transistor radios.

You've got to go.
Make a new deal.
Take away their choice to be immortal?
That's so 'politics of fear.'

What has happened to you, Santa?
Is this some crazy Ponzi scheme?
Stealing joy for pathetic Ho-Ho's...
I'm talking about your laughter, not sleeze, Nickie.

I know the children have been naughty
But their parents are to blame.
Give them a little something
more than candy and dumb games.

We used to make dolls and creative little toys.
We used to give coal in Artist Supply!
Now we order everything from Amazon dot com.
Shipping to the North Pole... convenient... good job.

The miracle of this holiday
Is not the cookies and the milk
Not even the shots of whisky
Which you could really do without.

It's about hope and trust
Leopold's Universal Love
Of all God's children, you perv.
So get out there and get it done."

I bought ALL my Christmas presents at 50% off. Or more.

Especially the gifts I bought for other people….

the prices...? in the words of the immortal, now bankrupt PC Richards... Insane!

Don’t be so gloomy. I know a lot of your company’s gave you a little “vacation” this New Year’s.

Srsly. Nothing’s so depressing than seeing depressed people wandering aimlessly with their Starbucks sippie cups.

Enjoy your vacation. You’re not working.

You got twennie bucks for a shirt… right? Go shopping!

This skirt here. [visual] Originally 139, got it for 19 dollars.

And 99 cents. Told my bank to “Keep the Change.”

You can find the same prices at the Chinese rip-off shops. The designer stuff is the same price.

This was supposed to be a dress. No one would pattern this dress design.

It flattens my non-existent tits and shows off my new gut. (smile)

But.... It easily became a sexy skirt!

Told the cheerful uptown sales-lady that I only got one asset. [Feel me, ladies? Any fellows big butts out there?]

When she tried to get me to buy it in the "chocolate color", I told her I don’t have those kinds of assets.

Everything’s so cheap right now, it makes a poor girl like me feel rich.

I had so many presents for my niece, I carried the giant box in that old Target bag I've had since I bought a crappy tent six years ago.

No, I’m like, seriously doing my part. Buying crap like a good American consumer! Or letting Mommy buy me things becasue I agreed to go shopping. The new Jersey super-outlet down da shoawr - is an outdoor mall. Cute. And the prices at the Jersey outlet were the same as the uptown boutique. But my "tommy" bag iss garbage newsprint paper. You get pretty bags in the little shops - me, only little princess bags.

The second hand store has always been too expensive for me. I don't pay 8 bucks for a used skirt. I get gifts or I use God's credit card. Now, I got a new skirt with fancy unwashed fabric. Brand spanking new.

You can shop there at the second hand store and do your part and buy a nice fur for 29.99. With your cup of Starbucks. Don’t forget to bring your old Barney’s bag. No one has to know.

Or maybe you have enough shirts and ties and/or “make you look fat bubble dresses” in your closet.

Too bad last season’s fashion sucked so bad. Sucks for you!

Can’t wait for the clothing swaps.

Grande Vanilla Latte with an extra shot and 2 equals. Right? Oh. OK. Regular Joe.

(pours)

Don't you recognize me, Dan? We were at Lehman together. I was in HR. Now I'm in CR. Coffee regular.

(hands coffee)

The milk is over there.

Me? I'm doing OK. I've got three kids and they have health insurance here.

You don't really remember me. Liar. It's alright. I got a little depressed after the... thing... went down. Got a little fat. Happened so fast, kind like the way Lehman tanked - ha! And it all went to my belly. I should paint it gold and tell people I'm growing my own golden parachute! Truth is most people think I'm pregnant - which isn't so bad. People are nice to pregnant people. Not like the hate mail I got addressed to the old VP in charge of hiring and firing. I was awful. We had to move.

We had to move anyway. Couldn't make the mortgage payments. I papered the new kitchen with my old stock certificates. Didn't really help the depression. But my kids are now papering it with scholarship rejection notices, so we have a funny little wall of death going on.

I just hope my kids get to finish out the last few years at the High School in East Egg. What the (scrunchy face) would they do at a public school in Hickville. Probably more likely to get financial aid, I know, but they've lived there all their life. All their friends are there. My daughter's captain of the rowing team.

Hold on a sec. Venti cocoa Frappacino with soy? Name? Really? OK. (Yells) Venti coco frapp with soy! for Ordinary Joe.

That daughter of mine.... She better make the rowing thing work for her. She was always protesting and making snide remarks about capitalism, even when I was pulling down the bucks. Now it's scholarship city for her. She still dreams about going to Harvard like her old hero. I say "old" b/c she gone off and joined the Young Repulicans. I don't know if it's teenage rebellion or what. Me, I'm voting for the Muslim guy. I'm pissed Bush didn't bail us out. I don't know who's having the last laugh, but I'm doing much better. Spending more time with my kid and the East Egg PTA. No one really knew me there, so (fingers crossed), no one will find out that we moved. It's nice; working less, less responsibility to (hand quote) the man.

This job... the money is stupid. I came in here with my head up my ass expecting to be the manager or something! I have my real estate license, not that it'd do me much good in this economy, but with no health insurance.... I nEED health insurance.

So where's the old bachelor CFO been hanging his hat these days? Are you waiting on a late train to the city or something? I've never heard of them. Life insurance!?! Well, you know, bro, some businesses never go out of my business. We live, we die and then someone has to pay for the funeral. Me. No. Can't even afford my car payments. Throw me in Potters' Field. It's in Rikers' Island now, you know. Where most brokers should go instead of that Connecticut country club they call a prison.

I figured you'd be chillin' in the Cayman Islands on your yacht. No longer a bachelor? Never was a bachelor? And they seized your money? And she took the rest? I never knew. I'm so.... Of course, they are still your family. Divorce is normal. I, myself --- Oh God, here's a napkin. It's a little scratchy.

Are you hungry? Take whatever you want. My manager's not looking. In fact, there are no managers. Just CCTV. I'll pretend I'm ringing you up. Give me some money. Alright. Swipe a card and look like you're entering a pin. Nevermind. Just take it.

Are you OK? We could go out for coffee sometime. I mean somewhere else. I mean, just to talk. I mean. I just assumed. You haven't even sipped your coffee. You look like you want to talk and the milk's on the side for us Regular Joes, so I figured.... Oh. I'm so insensitive. Here's another napkin. Life's not so bad. A little scratchy, like the napkins, but it's do-able. Trust me.

You want what? (Laughs) I thought you worked on this account. They only hire twice a year when the corporate overlords make their grand appearance. In fact, they continue to downsize. There's a hiring freeze.

I remember the meeting. You insisted that they downsize. We used to call you Downsize Dan. You're the one who told them to use CCTV robots for managers. I'll never forget when you said, "Human Resources is a neolithic occupation." And then you sent MY assistants out for the coffee. All the VP's were at that meeting.

How much cocaine did you do all those years? You were constantly tweaked out. I'm a fairly young woman. I had my kids early...you never gave me a second glance. You don't remember me at all. Everyone thought you were single as you'd arrive at corporate parties with your SUV limosines, your bottle service and your "entertainers." I'm not a bad-looking woman. I never understood why you seemed to look right through me. You weren't single at all. Just a dumb, rich party-boy. No wonder your wife deleted you like pornographic spam.

You know what this is, Danny-Boy? PAYBACK. I'm spending time with my kids and making ends meet and you probably can't pass a drug test for a job. I bet you're banned from seeing your kids. Oh. Cry, you little baby boy. Peter Pan finally has to grow now, doesn't he? You have no money for the party favors.

I wonder if I should pity you. Or hate you.

Thanks for advising us not to sell our stock before it became crappy wallpaper. Great advice.

Your name was on every letter I got -- not just from the employees and shareholders and board directors, but from regular working people. Everyone knew about Downsize Dan.

Stop the blubbering. Your ego's still intact, I see. Now you have to demean yourself by getting a regular job at the company you tried to fuck over, no less! This is where you're at. Reduced to begging for a cashier's job. They drug-test here too, dummy.

Whatever. Your drug use is public knowledge.

Yes. They continue to downsize, thanks to your wonderful treatise on the subject.

Yes. There's... A....Hiring...FREEZE.

That'll be $13.31 please. Here. Take a penny

"and how is your relationship with your mother?"

Same replies, "pretty good."

The interviewers at the Office of Participatory Provisionary Practitudal Programming take down notes and turn to one another for the first time to discuss some incomprehensible mathematical algorithm. Same does not take this as a good sign. He doesn't know the interrogation is almost over and he would have passed if he hadn't blurted out.

"I mean, it's fine. My mother and I get along just fine."

The PPPPs shake their heads. They know after thousands of such interviews/interrogations that there are two kinds of relationships with a mother. It's either great or pretty good. Same was going to get the nod for a creative job wherein artistic license is taken very seriously and only the most honest of creative types are programmed into such positions. Artistic licenses are awarded with great care and can be abruptly removed by the OoPPPP if any irregularity is suspected. Same knows this.

"What is mean to say if that we talk. We try. I love my mother, but sometimes...."

The Officers knock on the table. The interview is over.

I love nature. It's so beautiful and serene.

(Hyena comes screaming out and and bites her.)

-------

I want to make art that is about joy and happiness. I want to bring love to the stage. I want to feel it move all around the space. I want to fill your space with.... Whups, I think I'm drinking your coffee. Are you selling your space? Can you let me do a show here? I mean. I like the music, but everyone is so angry. I was angry. I was. I was shocked and awed, but I can't be angry forever. It does no good. I don't think it's hip or cool anymore. Anger is ugly and base. I want to create movement that grows - new life forming.... Revitalize the space, the scene. We need to experience joy again. Fun. Laughter. Happiness. Out with the hate. In with the beauty.

I'm sorry. I forgot to take the earplugs out after the session. What were you saying?

------

I found us a place. Only 1110 dollars each. You sleep there and I sleep here.

Together? One room? What's under the window?

Don't worry. They don't do any cooking. Just coffee.

Tin walls.

It's perfect. 2700. A bargain.